I’m going off the beaten path of humor just for one post. I want to fill everyone in on exactly why I’m blogging.
As my profile states, I’m 40 something, live in a smallish town, own a kid-centered business, and I have practically adult kids, with my last one heading off to college after this year.
I’m excited for my kids to go off to see the world. I didn’t bring them into the world to keep them near me always. I want them to live life to its fullest with no regrets. Like I wanted to do, but my path didn’t lead me in a direction that would allow that. If one day I need to be cared for, I fully expect to have to go where they go. That’s okay. It will be their turn to live, and my turn to be along for the ride.
I’m struggling with getting older, and the need to live my life. I feel like I cannot let things pass me by. I’m a restless soul by nature, and I struggle more when things just stop progressing… when in a holding pattern. That’s IT! I am energetic and active, with the constant need to move, change, and grow. I am always wanting to know what’s next, and I can’t even foresee this right now.
Aside from the sudden realization about the holding pattern, I assume I am also surfing the waves of a midlife crisis, which is only adding to the restlessness, and angst. There’s a lot to be said for getting older if you allow your mind to grow, expand, and change. I feel a lot wiser than I did even 5 years ago. I’m forever grateful for this, especially when coming up against people on the internet with screen names like “scholarlybrain.” These are the people who argue “people” stories with opinions they’re claiming as facts, then quote stats and studies they cannot produce proof of. These are the people who don’t go by real life experiences, but by the book. I am so happy I’ve finally reached the point in my life in which I know there is no “by the book.” Nothing is straightforward. There are gray areas to everything, especially when it comes to living things, great and small.
I guess I held in my head the idea that getting older equaled the freedom to do as you please more often than not, combined with the knowledge of adulthood. Meaning, if I knew then what I know now, I can make things perfect, and now is my chance, but not. I guess I figured “getting older” wouldn’t include once again trying to figure out what I want to do when I “grow up.” I guess I figured getting older would equal a certain freedom of the soul, but in reality, my soul is not as free as it was in my most tumultuous years. Weird, huh? I haven’t lost the passion, I’ve just got it buried pretty deep. Which to me equals OLD.
I didn’t want this to happen… I wanted to get older. I just had specific terms as to what it would mean for me.
So, I have lots of animals to keep me busy at home, I paint but I suck at it, I’m a novice photographer, and I have my computer to write. So I write… I write to maintain who I am. I write to get me through this holding pattern. I write to get it out so I don’t go crazy. I write… I also work out, eat healthy until someone offers me cake, or cookies, drink crap loads of water to try to stave off the wrinkles, and I listen to music really, really loud, just to drown out my own thoughts. I’m not woo woo, I’m not bitter, I’m not gray haired. I’m just me.
Welcome to my midlife crisis… the good thing is, it’s mostly humorous!