“Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,and grace my fears relieved”
This song has been a favorite of mine since volunteer stint in a nursing home. A sweet elderly woman requested it be sung to her, and as the words began flowing through the air, she closed her eyes. At the end you could see tears rolling down her cheeks.
This is a long post but worth the read if you think your life is in shambles and everyone else’s is perfect.
This is NOT a post about resolutions, and plans to be wonderful. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for bettering myself, but I don’t like setting lofty goals simply because the numbers change, and the months have started all over again. Sure I want to eat healthier than I’ve eaten over the holidays. I can guarantee you that the root beer I just had will be my last soft drink for at least eleven months. The Oreo cookie I just ate will be my last one for at least 9 months. Eating healthy is easy. Working out is easy. I’d love to win the lottery, but I’d have to play the lottery to win. Easy enough if I could remember to play.
I am making one goal this year. My goal is to handle the changes coming down the pike, with as much grace as possible. Me dealing gracefully with all of the changes coming along… not so easy.
I’ll start with my biggest struggle:
I’ve briefly touched on our business in my posts, but not a whole lot. You see, our business is not successful in the monetary sense. It’s great as far as the community service, and early childhood aspect, but monetarily, it’s a failure.
You see, our business is amazing . When people walk in, they’re very impressed with all that went into it. Each room was thoughtfully planned in my head way before we had even found a building. The partner came up with color schemes, and personally designed signs for each room. We handpicked each piece of equipment. We started a small early childhood school within the business, and then added physically therapeutic classes. This past year we changed some rooms up, hoping to better accommodate the needs of our clientele. We gave up two of our rooms to much needed therapists who run their businesses out of these rooms. We changed our school hours. We’ve offered birthday parties, field trips, gift certificates. We feel like we’ve done everything we can, yet we are still looking at ending this vicious cycle of money loss, the only way we can… by selling our business and trying to recoup our losses.
I hate it. It breaks my heart. This business is my baby. It was my baby long before we started it. I planned it for years before it came to fruition. We’ve met so many wonderful families. We’ve gotten attached to so many people, but the wife’s health is questionable, and we started this business with her money. I can’t let this continue any longer.
SO I have to ask myself… what’s next? I cannot imagine myself in a public school classroom again. I’d never make it. I have too many ideas, to blindly follow a public school curriculum that’s without passion and excitement. If it’s empty of those things, how can we create a love for learning in our kids?
I don’t know what’s next…
I hate not knowing because I had other dreams based on the success of our business. I want so badly to move to Carmel-By-The-Sea/Big Sur, San Diego, or Seattle. I want cliffs, and waves, and salty air. I want beaches I can sit on while wrapped in a blanket. I feel like I have to let this go because I am having to let go of my business. That’s two dreams gone. What’s next?
My daughter will be getting married at the end of May. I am happy for her if she is happy. I am happy for the boy she has chosen, if he is happy. I am so happy I am not responsible for walking her down the aisle. That is not a mama’s job. Thank GOD. Her daddy will be responsible for that along with holding himself together while he does it. The wife will probably have a hard time holding herself together as well. Me, I will be okay. Until I get home that night. I just want them to have a happy, fulfilling life together.
So what’s next?
My son will be graduating from high school in May. That’s five months. He will leave for college in 6 1/2 to seven months. Being the teen boy he is, I rarely see him as it is, but I still know he’s nearby. He has applied to a lot of out-of-state schools, and I support him with his choices. I have always said I will never keep my kids by my side. I want them to go off and explore the world. Whether that’s going off to college, or back-packing across this country, or another, I want them to do it. I want them to live their lives without regrets, because we only have one. I didn’t bring them into this world with the expectation that they would be by my side, safe in a bubble looking out at the world as it turns without them.
So I must hug him, pack him up, take plenty of pictures, make sure he knows how much I love him, and bid farewell until the holidays roll around. I must do this gracefully.
Grace… it’s my word this year. I will exude grace, and I will do it fearlessly because life is short. There is always something wonderful waiting for us if we handle ourselves with fearless grace. Right?